Soothsaying: The 2010 World Cup

So the greatest sporting event in the world is coming up in 187 days and the draw was announced today. The 2010 Cup will be held in South Africa, and this is a big deal because it's never been in Africa before. I'm predicting right now that the African squads smoke everyone, just like Korea smoked everyone in 2002 when the Cup was played on their turf. Two teams make it out of each group to the Round of 16. Here are my inevitably correct predictions:

Group A: 1. Mexico 2. South Africa 3. France 4. Uruguay

Mexico always does pretty well on the big stage. South Africa will make it because they're the home team and they have to make it. France barely qualified in the first place (they got away with a bunch of crap in a playoff against Ireland) and I think they'll suck like they did in '02. And who the hell is Uruguay?

Group B: 1. Greece 2. Nigeria 3. Argentina 4. South Korea

Greece is pretty high up in the FIFA rankings, so I'll pick them to finish first. Argentina should win every year but they don't because, um, I don't know. I've watched South Korea play a few times and they're not as good as they were a few years ago.

Group C: 1. USA 2. Algeria 3. England 4. Slovenia

OK, I'm a bit biased. But the USA looked so good in the Confederations Cup (played in S.A. this past summer) that I can't not pick them to finish first. I think England will come in overconfident after a laughably easy qualifying schedule.

Group D: 1. Ghana 2. Australia 3. Germany 4. Serbia

Germany ain't shit. Ghana destroyed in qualifying. Serbia will tie every match 0-0. And the Aussies are a bunch of rugged motherf-----s who will find a way to win.

Group E: 1. Netherlands 2. Cameroon 3. Denmark 4. Japan

The Dutch always make it through, and Cameroon has been steamrolling cats lately. Japan sucks and I can't believe they actually made it to the Cup.

Group F:
1. Italy 2. Paraguay 3. Slovakia 17. New Zealand

Dude, they're Italy. Paraguay looked good in qualifying. New Zealand is not even in the same league as these teams and only got in because they play countries like Fiji and American Samoa or some shit in qualifying.

Group G:
1. Brazil 2. Ivory Coast 3. Portugal 4. North Korea

Dude, they're Brazil. Drogba and the Ivory Coast will beat Portugal to get through. Cristiano Ronaldo will be out for that game with a vision problem after accidentally squirting a glob of hair gel into his eye.

Group H: 1. Chile 2. Switzerland 3. Spain 4. Honduras

I don't even know. Honduras isn't very good and the Spanish squad consists of male models.

I'm done thinking about soccer for now.