Grading Candy

It goes without saying that I've consumed a large quantity of sweets over the past few days. A connoisseur of everything unhealthy, I've decided to rate the various types of candy I've eaten with the hope of finding out which is actually the best. Here goes:

1. Milk Duds: "Dud" is the key word here. Chocolate covered caramels that can potentially yank out your fillings? C'mon, you can do better. GRADE: C-

2. Kit-Kat: I've always been a fan of the Kit-Kat bar. Milk chocolate and wafers make for a delightfully crispy experience, and I don't feel entirely like a fat slob after enjoying one. GRADE: A-

3. Whoppers: Vastly underrated. The only downside to eating a pack of Whoppers is that they make one incredibly thirsty, more so than the average chocolatey confection. Make sure you have about a gallon of milk on hand before cracking open a pack. GRADE: B

4. Mounds/Almond Joy: Awww yeah. If it's got coconut, sign me up. Mounds has dark chocolate, but Almond Joy prevails because, well, it has a big fat almond inside, a bonus that's easily comparable to finding a handful of diamonds inside of a pot of gold. GRADE: Mounds: A-/Almond Joy: A

5. Snickers: The candy bar that eats like a meal. Delicious, but seriously, it's just a little too much. GRADE: B+

6. Heath: Criminally underrated, it's like Butterfinger's tastier, more sophisticated older brother. GRADE: A-

7. Charleston Chew: Fantastic stuff, especially when the grocery store is selling the footlongs for a buck. The milk chocolate and vanilla nougat unite for a simply delicious experience. GRADE: B+

8. 3 Musketeers: Similar to the Kit-Kat in that I don't feel entirely like a fat slob after eating one. Also, it's fun to pretend to be French when you're eating one and be all like: "Ah oui, c'est un bar de Trois Mousquetaires." GRADE: A-

9. SweeTarts: This has to be the most superfluous candy in existence. Really, is there anyone out there who is a SweeTarts enthusiast? Like "Yeah, WOOOOO SWEETARTS!!!!" Nah. GRADE: D

10. Peanut Butter M&Ms: GRADE: A++++++++++++++++++++++

The Seventh Seal

I watched this a few years ago and didn't "get" it.

I just watched it and I "got" it, I think.

This might be the greatest film ever made. It doesn't entertain, it enlightens. You will love this movie. Everyone will love this movie. Why? Because it's about you and everyone. You ARE everyone. We're just a hopeless throng of humanity trying to make sense of life and death. It seems pretty bleak, but one comforting thought does prevail-no matter how skilled you are, you can't beat the grim reaper at chess. We'll all do the dance of death someday, and we'll do it together.

I would like to hug everyone in the world after watching this. I'm serious.

Welcome to the Dollhouse

Finally got to watch this for the first time. Thanks, Netflix! It was very heartbreaking and misanthropic, a perfect movie to watch when you're having a bad day and loathe everyone. It really does depict us humans at our most base level, how we just take whatever nastiness comes our way and give it back to someone who's lower on the food chain. I loved how my opinions of the characters changed completely during the 90 minutes. My favorite part was near the beginning, the scene where Dawn was being harassed in the girls bathroom. The dialogue went something like this:

Dawn: Why do you hate me?
Girl: Because you're ugly!

I think this perfectly captures the unjustified hatred which underlies school bullying. My other favorite part was when Dawn was dreaming about everyone loving her. That's all anyone wants, right? Todd Solondz has human nature down to a T here, and anyone who's honest about their interactions with people will appreciate this movie.

The Walkmen: Lisbon

I'm not sure what makes the Walkmen a great band. They just are one. Maybe it's the half-drunk vocals of Hamilton Leithauser, alternating between crooning and yelling. Maybe it's the seemingly effortless strumming of guitarist Paul Maroon. Maybe it's the idiosyncratic time-keeping done by drummer Matt Barrick. Or maybe it's just the horns.

Okay, now I know. They're a great band because they combine all of these elements to create a retro-cool sound, one they introduced on 2008's stellar You and Me and continue on Lisbon, their latest release. Like any Walkmen album, it effectively combines guitar freakouts and muted ballads, and the frequent changes of pace make for a very engaging listen. They rev the engines pretty quickly on Lisbon with second track "Angela Surf City," arguably the disc's finest moment. An instant Walkmen classic, it features one of the most awe-inspiring choruses I've ever laid my ears on. Leithauser pushes his voice box to its absolute limit and the rest of the band follows suit, with Barrick drumming like a madman and the bass undulating like waves during a tropical storm. "Angela's" only problem is that it's only three minutes and twenty-three seconds in length.

A second highlight comes a few tracks later with "Stranded," a heartbreaking drunken lament. "The words aren't coming through," bawls Leithauser, "I'm stranded and starry-eyed." Remember that song by the Airborne Toxic Event where the guy got drunk and whined because he wanted to bang his ex-girlfriend? The Walkmen took that scenario and made a song that's actually good. It's about being drunk and it SOUNDS drunk, as Barrick barely keeps the thing together with his kick drum. And then there's the horns, horns that add to the barroom sway and evoke images of lonely drunk dudes rejoicing in the fact that they won't be taking any girls home tonight.

The record carries on with the infectious "Woe is Me," vibrant guitar pop that may even provoke some booty shakin', and "Torch Song," the old-timiest Walkmen cut of 'em all. Second to last is "While I Shovel The Snow," a ballad that sounds softer than, well, falling snow. "Half of my life I've been waking up," sings Ham. I feel ya dude.

And like all of the albums before it, this one ends with a slow-burner that goes on for miles. Sporting a six-minute running time and a few horn flareups, "Lisbon" doesn't disappoint and can be placed right next to other satisfying album closers like "Bows and Arrows" and "Another One Goes By."

While not a huge departure from their last album, Lisbon does succeed in maintaining the Walkmen's winning formula. If it ain't broke don't fix it, right?

Daaaauuuuum: LCD Soundsystem

A perfect storm of awesomeness made its way over the Philadelphia area Friday night. Oh God, I sound like a seventh grader starting a personal narrative. Whatever. Anyways, LCD Soundsystem and Sleigh Bells played at the Philadelphia Naval Yard, and to be short it was one of the best nights of live music I've ever experienced. Maybe even the best. The venue was terrific. The initially mysterious Naval Yard was easy to find, there were people and signs everywhere directing traffic, and the parking was free. It was sort of like the Tweeter Center or whatever it's called now minus the lameness. There was a pre-party where free stuff, food, and beer were being given away. This was the beer:

It seems like Narragansett has all the makings of a new "hipster beer." It's watery, comes in pounders, and shares its name with a bay in Rhode Island. Maybe they should change its name to "Veckatimest."

The show took place in what I believe is called the Cruise Terminal, a large warehouse-y building with lots of big windows. I'm not sure what its capacity is, but it seemed like everyone was on top of each other. The sound quality was good though, and that's all that really matters.

Sleigh Bells came on first, and they, um, slayed it. The dude played the riffs and the gal did some crazy dance moves and vocalized. I was kind of disappointed in the crowd for most of the set, but everyone started to come alive near the end. I'm pretty sure they did their entire recorded output.

Shit really started to get insane once LCD came on. It seemed like it couldn't get any more crowded than it was during Sleigh Bells, but it did. It also got about 10x crazier, as the booze started kicking in and joints got fired up. Here's some nutty-ass crap that happened:
1. I fell down during set opener "Dance Yrself Clean" and thought I was going to be trampled to death. Luckily for me I was pulled up by Lizzy. This marks the second time Lizzy has saved my life, as she performed the heimlich maneuver on yours truly in 2004. I was choking on a clam.
2. Some dude fell on the hard floor while crowd surfing. People were passing him around and all of a sudden they got tired of doing so. He fell from about seven feet in the air without anyone breaking his fall. I'm pretty sure he suffered a concussion, but he went right on crowd surfing.
3. LCD played "All My Friends." 'Nuff said.
4. Some UFC bro told me to "EFF OFF" and got in my face because I pushed some sweaty bearded dude his way. This happened while LCD was closing their set with "Home," a lovely song about how home is all we need.

LCD played great, from what I could see. The setlist was perfect, and offered significant helpings of both new and old material. Highlights included not only the previously mentioned "Dance Yrself Clean" and "All My Friends," but also "Get Innocuous!," "Movement," and "Losing My Edge," every music nerd's fav. It seemed like James Murphy was sort of going through the motions with this one, but it was rad nonetheless. James (we're on a first-name basis) had a cool old-looking microphone, I think. Hot Chip member Al Doyle was playing bass. The Asian gal looked sort of miserable. Their light show was spectacular, and they even turned on a huge-ass disco ball for a few songs.

Great venue and music. The people could've been a little less sweaty/out of their minds, but it's okay. Also, people could've DANCED more. Last time I checked, dancing is more than just jumping up and down and pushing/throwin' bows. In fact, that's not dancing at all.

I Don't Get It: UFC

I just saw a commercial for some UFC fight, and am unable to understand the draw of such an event. It seems like it's just two dudes beating the hell out of each other until one of them gives up/is unconscious/is dead. UFC fans would disagree with me on this point, and would defend this activity by highlighting all of the holds and techniques that must be learned to be successful. All I know is that every time I've watched a UFC "fight," this is what happened:

1. The two dudes grabbed each other.
2. They started kneeing each other.
3. They fell on the mat and morphed into a sinewy sphere.
4. They attempted to put each other in "holds," which to me looked like rolling around.
5. One guy ended up on top and punched the other guy in the face until the referee ended this savage exhibition.

I mean, I love the NFL and do watch boxing every now and then, but UFC takes the brutality to a dangerous level. Call me a wimp, but I just can't deal with the sound of a fist making contact with a skull or, even more, the fact that some unfortunate fella will most likely endure years of health problems for a few appearances on Spike TV. I feel as though this "sport" appeals to the carnal side of people, that same section of the brain where the animalistic synapses get fired off. It makes for a strangely sadistic experience in which people want to see someone get beat up and humiliated in public. Even stranger to me is the fact that so many of the individuals who view these testosterone fests are gents who have never been in a fight in their lives. I guess feigning macho-ness by living vicariously through some bulky dude who spends all of his time in a gym is easier than simply admitting that you're not a fighter.

I'm not a fighter.

"There are as many ways to be a man as there are men."
-Dr. Dan O'Neill

A Reason to Not Commit Suicide: Subway

I've been meaning to sing the praises of Subway on here for some time now, as my love for this franchise started while my dad and I were on our roadtrip to South Dakota. It's hard to eat at quality restaurants when you're on the road for three weeks and don't have all the money in the world, and Subway is both a quick and, relatively speaking, healthy alternative to traditional fast food. If you so desired, you could walk into a Subway and walk out having consumed a six inch Turkey Breast Sub, (no mayo of course) a bag of Baked Lays, and a diet soda for lunch. Not exactly the healthiest thing in the world to eat, but you probably won't gain weight eating like this either. Subway, more than any other fast food chain, offers its diners a CHOICE. Sure, you can go in there and eat a low-fat lunch, but you can also order a footlong Subway Club on the whatevercheese bread. No other fast food joint lets its patrons eat this well, and I'm pretty sure this is why Subway (and I looked this up) has more locations than the Golden Arch Crew in the USA. My dad and I certainly observed this while traversing the highways, as we ate at a Subway in many of the states we drove through.