ARRRRRRGGGGH

Saw Scott Pilgrim Vs. today. So embarrassed. I wanted to see this movie 1. Because I secretly like Michael Cera (disregard my previous post where I was hatin') because he represents me just like Oprah represents powerful black women and Chelsea Handler represents pretty white girls who don't read much. 2. That's it. Went at 2 p.m. to avoid anyone else seeing me there. I even felt ashamed when the little old guy ripped my ticket and asked me what movie I was seeing so he could direct me towards the right auditorium. Saying "Scott Pilgrim" made my soul cringe. Once he told me which one it was in, I was like "OK thanks!" and quickly ran away. I was the only one there until a baby boomer couple walked in as it was starting. They walked out about 2/3 of the way through, when the tenth or so cartoonish fight scene was going down. I guess I was so embarrassed because I fall into one of the three groups of people to which this film (Scott Filmgrim!) appeals:
1. People who actually read the graphic novels on which the movie was based.
2. "Indie" high school students who listen to bands like Phoenix and are taking AP English this year.
3. Emotionally stunted twentysomethings who think there's still such a thing as a "dream girl."

The movie's really good. It's got a solid soundtrack, surprisingly witty dialogue, and quirky video game effects. The fight scenes were a bit much, but whatever.

Couldn't stop thinking about other Scotts during the movie.

Scott Baio vs. the World


Scottie Pippen vs. the World


Scott Toilet Paper vs. the World

Things I'll Never Admit to Liking (Until Now)

1. The Boondock Saints


This is a wonderfully entertaining movie, chock full of quotable lines and engaging action scenes. Y'know who likes it? Horribly annoying individuals, especially politically conservative, "religious" white dudes who smoke lots of weed. Some people like it so much that they type Il Duce's Prayer in the "favorite quotations" field on their Facebook page. Others like it so much that they get Il Duce's Prayer tattooed on themselves. Be careful who you talk to about this movie, folks. They just might think you're an idiot for liking it and not Rushmore.

The Big Lebowski also falls into this category, whether hardcore fans believe it or not.

2. U2

U2 is one of the most commercially successful bands of all time. Many critics (minus Rolling Stone) find them to be superfluous, and many regular people despise them for Bono's silly posturing. Although I'm ashamed to admit it, I love them, and hate when they're placed under the "arena rock" umbrella with the likes of Kings of Leon, Muse, The Killers, etc. Without U2, those bands wouldn't exist. It's hard to explain the virtues of U2 to a non-fan. No matter how hard you try, they'll always tell you that you must be someone who knows nothing about music. Oh well.

3. The Phillies

Liking baseball is a sure sign that you're an average suburban white dude. Either that or you're from somewhere in the Caribbean. I hate to admit that I like the Phillies because I fear that I will be thrown into the massive hoard of bandwagon jumpers who started to pay attention to the Phils after they won the World Series in 2008. Seriously, they're the number one team in town now. You know how I know? Remember a few years ago when you'd go to a Phils game and they'd be losing and fans sitting waaaay up top would do the E-A-G-L-E-S cheer? I was at a game a few weeks ago, the Phils were losing 7-1 in the 3rd inning, and nobody was shouting anything about the Birds. A surefire sign that the Phils are tops in Philly if you ask me. I just really miss the days when they played at the Vet and 700 level tix were $6. They'd only draw 15,000 a game so you could really spread out. I hope they start sucking again.

4. Fast Food

I love fast food, I really do. Obviously it tastes good, but even more than that it might be the least pretentious thing on the planet, and lord knows we need something like it in a world of Lady Gagas and Wes Andersons. I don't like to admit that I love it, mostly because some people can get all Morgan Spurlocky and tell you about how the cattle are raised or how you're going to get fat like the kids pictured above. All in moderation, folks. Eat that Croissan'Wich for breakfast or that Big Mac for lunch or those Chalupas for dinner. Just make sure you only do it once in a blue moon. And sorry cattle, I didn't invent our food production system. I'm aware of the problems. Seriously, I saw Food Inc.

5. Life



I hate to sound similar to one of those religious folks who's all like "every day is a blessing," but they're kind of right. Life ain't so bad. I mean, what do ya got to compare it to? As much as I want to whine about the perils of my extraordinarily difficult existence, I just can't.

The Boondock Saints, U2, The Phillies, Fast Food, and most of all Life. I'm now proud to say that I love them all.

Black People That All White People Know

1. Barack Obama
2. Oprah
3. Tiger Woods
4. Denzel Washington
5. Little Richard
6. James Earl Jones
7. Eminem
8. Shaq
9. James Brown
10. Harriet Tubman
11. Whitney Houston
12. MLK
13. Morgan Freeman
14. Jackie Robinson
15. Will Smith
16. Al Roker
17. Rodney King
18. Precious
19. Antoine Dodson...

NOT FUNNY

This needs to stop. Someone almost got RAPED here. Would YOU find it funny if YOUR sister almost got raped? Didn't think so.

For white people who live in communities that are 99.9 percent white, (and there are lots of 'em) Antoine Dodson, along with Barack Obama, Oprah, Denzel Washington, Lil' Wayne, and Eminem, is now a crucial component of these whites' perception of Black America. I can't imagine how confused they must be.

Maybe I'm underestimating the ability of the inhabitants of whitebread towns to see past the black figures most often featured in the media, and realize that not all black people are these larger than life characters who talk funny.

I don't think I am, though.

People Who Watch Soccer

1. Anyone who isn't American.
2. Average American dudes who played it in high school. If you make it to high school, you'll be a fan for life. If you only played when you were in elementary school, that will not guarantee permanent fandom.
3. Americans who studied abroad for a semester (seems like 2/3 of college students since 2008 or so) and returned with either a Man U, Barcelona, or, if you're one of those people who thought that studying in Western Europe was such a unoriginal thing to do, Galatasaray scarf.
4. Americans who have become disillusioned with the prevailing broness of American pro sports and secretly like when said bros say that soccer is for "pussies." This shows that bros are dumb and they're smart because they "get" soccer. Little do these sports snobs know that soccer is the ultimate bro sport everywhere else in the world.
5. Americans who stumbled across a used copy of Fifa 20__ at FuncoLand/Gamestop/Whatever it's called and were like "Hey, this sport's rad!"
6. Patient Americans who are willing to sit around for two hours because there's a chance something like this could occur:

Which one are you?

He's Still Got That Swagger...And Some Twinkies: Dean Wareham

SOOOOOO blogosphere. It's been a while. And by a while I mean about a year. I've been pretty busy, ya know, livin lyfe. But last night Johnny and I saw something that is worth telling all 2 members of our clubhouse about. We saw the DEAN WAREHAM. I'm going to assume that no one reading this knows who this man is, but at 47, Deaniehead has still got it. I've got to admit, I wasn't exactly pooping my pants over this show, but by the end (staying true to my figurative language) I had diarrhea.

Dean Wareham was the lead singer of a dream pop band that existed from 1987-91 called Galaxie 500. I don't really know what he did for the last 19 years (I'm sure Johnny could fill you in). Now, he is touring with his wife, Brita (like the water filter) and they are playing all songs by Galfivehund. These songs are beautiful. Although I have a hard time distinguishing one from the other at first, each has it's own ear-gasmic guitar line. This is Johnny's favorite... STRANGE.




Dean shared with his audience that this song is about a time he took acid then went into a store. That's cool I guess. But I could have lived without knowing that. I kind of almost do not want to know what a song was ACTUALLY written about. It takes away from whatever the song meant to me. Isn't that the point of music? To take someone's creation and appreciate it in your own way?? Maybe I'm way off... NE wayz, Deanbro talked A LOT about acid. Which I could have done without. On the whole though, Mr. Wareham played a flawless set in my yeuxs. It was beautiful. He is the hottest 47 year old man I know. And I know plenty of 47 year old men. Just strummin his geeytar. Talkin bout pics of you and temps risin. Twas a lovely way to bring this summer to a close. Pop in a Galaxie 500 album (esp Today) on a rainy day. You won't regret it.

Alrighty Boys & Girls. That's all for now. Hopefully, you'll be hearing more from moi soon!

A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering (Perfume) Genius

Mike Hadreas records music as Perfume Genius. I'm 99% sure he's gay. I'm 100% sure that gays make the best art because most of them are hurt, alienated, et al. at some point in their lives, and pain is always helpful when it comes to creating stuff. Anyways, his first album, Learning, came out a few months ago and it's wonderfully devastating. It's just him and a piano, and sort of brings to mind other fragile indie rock dudes like Antony Hegarty, Sufjan, and Peter Silberman of the Antlers. Hadreas moans angelically about stuff like kids getting murdered and Mr. Peterson. My favorite though is "You Won't B Here," a particularly dark ditty about how whatever we do, we're gonna be dead anyway. Damn.

If you've never felt depressed in your life, ever, stay away from this. If you have, you may just feel a little less lonely in the world.

A Reason To Not Commit Suicide: The Drums

Man, this is good.

A Reason to Commit Suicide: Michael Cera

I dislike Michael Cera out of pure jealousy. There, I said it. He accurately represents a good percentage of American males age 20-25. We're quirky, awkward, not incredibly attractive, and desperately in love with some gal. So why is it that he gets to be his normal, bumbling self and make millions of dollars? Actors should be able to ACT, not simply be like themselves in every gosh darn movie they're in. Seriously, let me or one of about 10 million other people star in Superbad or Youth In Revolt. I could do it.

*Edit*-Disregard this post. I actually like Michael Cera a lot now after watching Scott Pilgrim and Arrested Development.

A Reason to Commit Suicide: Huge Glasses

This has to be the most annoying fashion trend sweeping the world (or at least the world I inhabit) lately. Millions of attention seekers who may or may not actually need glasses are sporting these huge frames. Why do they feel the need to wear these? Is it the aforementioned attention they're after? Do they want us to think that they're well-read or have good taste in music? Whenever I see someone like this, I just automatically think that they're really dumb and listen to Lady Gaga a lot. It seems logical when you consider the fact that both the framers and Gaga demand you to look at them and admire them on a superficial level.

I realize that some of these folks actually have vision problems. They should get a smaller pair of glasses. For those of you who don't need glasses, however, you're offending me by exaggerating my handicap and making it seem glamorous. Imagine the possibilities here:

"Hey, deafness is pretty cool. Let's wear huge hearing aids!"


"Hey, being a cripple is pretty cool! Let's get a really glam wheelchair!"



"Hey, being dead is pretty cool. Let's be dead!"



Okay, maybe that's taking it too far. But seriously people, be yourselves and not other people's unfortunate circumstances.

The Funniest Video Ever-"Ridin' Solo"

Jason Derulo has produced one of my favorite music videos ever. Cracks me up every time. Here's why:

(0:00)-Just look at this fella before you even start the video. It's astonishing how much of a poor man's Chris Brown he is. I wonder how that feels-Chris Brown beats up Rihanna and now it's like "Here ya go pal. Step up to the plate."

(0:13)-YR LUV MADE ME BLIND DOOOOAOOOOOO

(0:32)-That jacket makes him look like this:



(0:41)-Didn't Drake already "do me?"

(1:03)-Ah, the venerable spin move/ball clutch combo.

(1:38)-Wait, make sure we get the Honda logo.

(1:56)-Why would you check your PlentyOfFish account in a nightclub? Isn't online dating for people who don't get out much?

(2:09)-Really? I thought he was ridin' solo.

(2:33)-I'm very surprised that he didn't give himself whiplash there.

(2:52)-He sort of sounds like Jabba the Hutt when he whispers "Solo."



(3:00)-The choreographer was probably like "Alright, here you're gonna play with imaginary glowsticks."

(3:20)-No way he's doing that. It's a moving platform.

(3:35)-Yeah, definitely a moving platform.

Seriously, this video is the best. Hidden ads, goofy dancing and outfits, and one BIG huckster of a star. Not to mention the fact that he's rarely "ridin' solo" during the video.

The National: High Violet

Alright National, you win.

We're all Afraid of Everyone.

Sorrow found us all when we were young.

This album is actually really good.